"Zilch: Want to guarantee zero response to your copy? Here's how most advertisers do it!" by David Garfinkel
One of the great things about advertising copy is it allows you to take a successful sales pitch that you deliver in spoken form, to one prospect at a time, and multiply it.
Some simple math: If you have a winning formula with your spoken words, and you get 1% response, and you put it in writing and in front of 100,000 people (in an ad, or a sales letter, or on the Web), then you get 1% x 100,000... = 1,000 responses.
That saves you from having to make a whole lot of sales calls.
The problem comes in when you start out with a written sales pitch that would never work in a personal, spoken, one-on-one situation. That's like trying to multiply zeros. No matter how many people you put those words in front of, you still get no response at all.
But since so many advertisers use techniques that all but guarantee zero response -- almost defiantly -- I thought you'd ...
... like to know what the techniques are, so you can decide for yourself if you want to put your time, money, and not to mention blood, sweat and tears, into creating such copy for yourself and your business.
Introducing... The World Copywriting Blog's Five Techniques Designed To Get You Zero Response From your Advertising
Note: Many thanks to the thousands of TV commercials, newspaper and magazine ads, and Web sites which have provided instructive examples necessary to come up with these five response-killing techniques.
Zero-Response Technique #1: Be Clever
Everyone loves a good laugh. (Especially your competitors, who realize you are no threat to them in the advertising space.) Puns, slapstick humor and sexual double-entendre words and phrases work exceptionally well in getting prospects' attention off the inherent value and desirability of your offer and focused on something else.
Also, coming up with some clever angle annoys and intimidates prospects who don't feel they are as smart as you are... a very good way to keep them from ever responding to your advertising.
Zero-Response Technique #2: Be Boring
Go ahead and take the leap -- make the assumption that everyone is as interested in you, your business, all the details of your product, or of your service, and other endless minutia regarding your offer... as you are. Stay blissfully ignorant that nobody gives a rat's ass about anything but themselves -- initially -- when they're reading an ad, and all they care about is what you can do for them.
This of course is true as well if you have an altruistic offer. People contribute money because they feel "right" about it... or simply feel good doing it... or feel some of their guilt relieved, if only for a moment. So even when it's all about others, it's still about the prospect, first and foremost.
But if you don't want to be bothered with the time-consuming task of processing credit cards or depositing checks, you can ensure zero response by making your case in an extremely boring way.
Zero-Response Technique #3: Assume Your Prospect Already Knows What You Know
Don't bother explaining technical jargon or insider shorthand. It's a lot of trouble anyway, and besides, you might not look as cool if you have plain-Jane language in your copy when you are so sophisticated about your subject.
On top of all that, you've already done your homework getting to this level of expertise, so why pay your dues a second time?
The only catch to this approach is: You have to be willing to let your prospects make all their purchases from your humble competitor... you know, the goof-ball who's willing to dumb it down to the prospect's level so they can understand what the hell they're buying!
Zero-Response Technique #4: Focus On Your Process, Instead Of Focusing On The Results Your Customer Will Get
Go on, tell them about how you do what you do and how unique and wonderful it is. Hey, you're paying for the advertising space or the Web hosting, right? So you can say whatever you want. And you have every right to be proud of your superior way of doing what you do. So tell the world about it.
Just be sure to set aside any expectations that this will turn into business for you, since... as you are conveniently ignoring... prospects could care less about your process and procedures.
At least initially. Because the only thing they're really interested in, in this realm, is the results you can get for them. So to make sure you get zero response, don't even mention results. Just tell your story the way you want to tell it.
Zero-Response Technique #5: Just Make Your Prospect Curious. Don't Say Anything That Would Actually Make Them Want What You Offer
Be coy. Hint. Tease. Dangle. Revel in your mysteriousness. But don't come out and hit the nail on the head. Make no promises; identify no problems; offer no solutions.
This is probably the most widely-used and dead-certain zero-response technique known. It has the unbeatable combination of being confusing, annoying and disinteresting to prospects all in one fell swoop. And the best part is, it's so much easier to use than any of the other four techniques. No thought required, and you don't need to use many words at all.
Well, that wraps it up -- five tried and true zero-response techniques.
We'll get back to more constructive ideas in my next rant!
David Garfinkel is one of the best copywriters on the internet and was a speaker at Armand Morin's Big Seminar Series and Carl Galletti's Internet Marketing Super Conference. You can learn more about his books and training courses by clicking the links below.
David Garfinkel is founder of the World Copywriting institute and is considered by many people to be the best teacher of copywriting in the world. The stated mission of the World Copywriting Institute is to “eradicate copywriting illiteracy in the world.” Jay Conrad Levinson, author of the world’s best selling series of marketing books, Guerrilla Marketing, says, “David Garfinkel is the best copywriter I know.” Sign up for David’s free World Copywriting Newsletter. and you get a free one-hour downloadable teleseminar on copywriting. Also visit David’s World Copywriting Blog:
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